If I heal

That means it’s actually over 

And I don't know who I am 

Without

These 

Feelings

It’s the first hint of it all being over 

I’m cold 

It’s august and i’m so cold 

I’m trying to spiral in quiet 

I swear I really am 

But I look up 

And all I see 

Are two normal people 

Thirty feet away from me 

On a normal park bench 

Eating normal food 

With normal conversation 

normally in love 

and it’s August 

and I’m feeling so abnormally cold 

and there’s no one abnormally beside me 

and I’m so abnormally alone

One day it became me 

It overtook my body 

Flowed through my veins

It could not be stopped 

So I let it 

One day I looked up at the trees 

The leaves had words imprinted all over them 

So did the sky and I could feel what the clouds felt 

The rain felt like a much needed hug 

And I felt like I belonged 

It’s my second time this week 

Getting caught in the rain 

Maybe I’m subconsciously timing it 

So it happens 

So I’m never truly caught 

I like the rain

The way I feel covered 

The way it collects on my eyelashes 

The way that I let it.

What if fear is just a mind killer

And lust is an illusion

Living in the middle of no where

Is that what I should be doing?

What if holding on for dear life

was the only way to keep things

and changing all my answers,

is that the only way to keep things?

keeping it so close to home.

Tired eyes. no makeup. baggy pants

Maybe an even bigger shirt

I lower my voice about one and a half notes. 

Make a coffee. make a suggestion. lower my voice another half step. slouch. get brushed against. brush it off. It’s not that big of a deal. 

Mom, i don’t want you to worry 

Bright eyes. deep makeup. tight clothes. 

Maybe even tighter pants 

I raise my voice about one and a half notes. 

Move my body. sing a song. raise my voice another half step, smile. get brushed off. get brushed against. Brush it off. It’s not that big of a deal. 

Mom, i don’t want you to worry 

Worried eyes. thoughts still leftover.

Messy room. unbrushed teeth.

I keep my voice quiet for the night.

Think about it. shut my eyes. chase a dream. leave it be. brush it off. It can’t be that big of a deal.

Mom, i don’t want you to worry 

Most people have vices

For me I have crutches

In the form of

Cigarettes and you

It’s sickly sweet when I see you

I cry and cry

I feel no lust

I feel no love

So I cry and cry

Because I can’t feel anything towards you

And I feel monstrous for that

I don’t want them to eat up the world

And swallow you whole

But if I can’t convince you to move on

They will

If I can’t will it to stop

You’ll disappear in your own madness

And I’ll feel like the monster

Alone in the meadow

Picking up dried flowers

Meant for someone new

So,

It’s sickly sweet when I see you

I cry and cry

I feel no lust

I feel no love

So I cry and cry

Because I can’t feel anything towards you

And I feel monstrous for that

I’m laying like a drunken starfish in my bed.

My arm off the bed.

My thoughts scattered wherever they please.

Because I can.

Because there’s no one in my bed to stop me.

It may seem like nothing

But I’ve never felt so free

You may be hurting still

Confused.

They’ll be there for a second or two

Understanding.

Sympathetic even

But they’ll. move. on.

And you’ll. keep. hurting.

And you’ll still want the understanding

They’ll find it sad

Gift you some pity

Then forget it ever happened and think you have too.

So you have two choices

Move on with it

Or be the person that holds onto something forever

Til everyone thinks you’re insane.

What’s mine is mine

And what’s mines not yours

I’ve never felt so sick before

There’s a handprint on my stomachs floor

There’s no one knocking on my door

Just me dying on my floor

What’s mine is what you like to take

Take and take until you break

The only spirit that I own

You may as well break in my home

And eat my food

And wear my clothes

Steal my thoughts

Just have my soul

I forget.

That bad people

Were once kids

Scared of the world

Just like me

-

I assume they also

Had a compass inside them

The dial had not yet been turned and twisted.

I forget.

That they might have been afraid

Of the monsters that hid in their closet

Not even thinking

Not for a split second

That one day

They would inevitably

Become the monster

They were once so afraid of

When I think of it this way

The pain doesn’t get easier

They don’t become less of a monster

They become more of a human

Just like me.

Probably still afraid of the monsters in their closet.

Probably still wishing someone would check under their bed.

Bits of you are still bits of me 

Your old self still haunts me like my new self haunts you.

Mold your hands around me 

Carve into my soul 

The temperamental beauty 

Of a said and spoken love 

Touch my heart of marble 

Refrain to turn to stone 

The temperamental beauty 

Of a said and spoken love 

Write my thoughts down as your own 

Spill your tears through my eyes 

Then 

Mold your hands around me 

Carve into my soul 

The permanence of beauty 

Of a said and spoken love

Sunflower kisses 

Floating through the trees 

Come and find me 

Follow the breeze 

I want to be close 

To the golden sky 

When the aching sun 

Starts to cry 

The storm rolls through 

The damage done 

Time has passed 

I’ve had my fun 

The storm moves through 

I’ve time to look around 

Skies are turning blue 

Feet are on the ground

One day, when I’m faded and shrunken 

When my sunken eyes can barely see 

I’ll donate my brain to science 

And they’ll feast on it 

At a gala 

With the worlds 

Most ignorant.

They’ll look at it with wonder 

Claim it’s a delicacy 

As they bite, 

there will be shrieks of pain and sadness 

Booms of laughter 

So much love 

And they will be lucky enough

Cursed enough 

To have gotten a taste

                        a glimpse 

Of the emotions i felt in my life.  

make a blanket

from everything here

of leaves and trees

and of course that air

and when i leave

I’ll wrap myself up

- all bundled and such

and for a moment

it’ll all be clear

I tend to live in the past

Or think too much about the future

I forget that one day

They will all catch up to each other

And I will be praying for a redo

—-a second chance

To do it all a little better

And the world will say no

Goodnight to the pretty thoughts

That intrude my mind

Goodnight to the daydreams

That seldom get to play out

Goodnight to the day

That has turned into night

Goodnight moon.

Take me to a haunted house

I want to feel something

If the feeling got scared out of me

Maybe it can be scared back in

So bear with me

As you watch me

Smoke my dinner

I’m sorry mom,

I wasn’t meant to be a winner